My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
