Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
