OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I need a burrito and a hug.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
