I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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