Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Randomize