I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
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