There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
