My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Randomize
