so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
