Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
