How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
