you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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