yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
