I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
