I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize