It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
