If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
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