Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
