I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
