if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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