i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize