I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
