The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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