I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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