Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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