I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
