I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
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