last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Randomize
