I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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