We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
