She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
