Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I could make wine with my vomit
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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