is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
