i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
