awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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