When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
