im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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