My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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