So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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