how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Randomize
