Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Me. At least after what I've been through.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
