He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
