It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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