Acid is not a monday night drug
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize