Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I have tasted many bathrooms
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
