I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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