Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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