the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
