I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It was confusing and full of hummus
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
