I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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