Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
as a side note pls kill me
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
