We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Randomize
