shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize