She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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