I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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