New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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