In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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