Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Randomize
