So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
