it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Randomize
