i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
