Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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